Man: Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please. Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before? Man: No, I haven't, this is my first time. Receptionist: I see, well, do you want to have just one argument, Or were you thinking of taking a course? Man: Well, what is the cost? Receptionist: Well, it's one pound for a 5-minute argument, But only 8 pounds for a course of ten! Man: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started Off with just the one, and then see how it goes. Receptionist: Fine. Well I'll see who's free at the moment. Um...Mr. Bakely's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory. Ah, yes, Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12. Man: Thank you.
He enters room 12.
Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT? Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that... Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS! Man: What? Angry Man: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!! Man: Look, I came here for an argument!! I'm not... Angry Man: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse! Man: Oh! Oh I see! Angry Man: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door. Man: Oh...Sorry... Angry Man: Not at all! Angry Man: (under his breath) stupid git.
The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.
(Knock) Voice: Come in! Man: Is this the right room for an argument? Other Man: (pause) I've told you once. Man: No you haven't! Other Man: Yes I have. Man: When? Other Man: Just now. Man: No you didn't! Other Man: Yes I did! Man: You didn't! Other Man: I did! Man: You didn't! Other Man: I'm telling you, I did! Man: You didn't! Other Man: Oh I'm sorry, just one moment, is this a five minute argument, Or the full half hour? Man: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes. Other Man: Just the five minutes. Thank you. Anyway, I did. Man: You most certainly did not! Other Man: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told You! Man: Oh no you didn't! Other Man: Oh yes I did! Man: Oh no you didn't! Other Man: Oh yes I did! Man: Oh no you didn't! Other Man: Oh yes I did! Man: Oh no you didn't! Other Man: Oh yes I did! Man: Oh no you didn't! Other Man: Oh yes I did! Man: Oh no you didn't! Other Man: Oh yes I did! Man: No you DIDN'T! Other Man: Oh yes I did! Man: No you DIDN'T! Other Man: Oh yes I did! Man: No you DIDN'T! Other Man: Oh yes I did! Man: Oh look, this isn't an argument! (Pause...) Other Man: Yes it is! Man: No it isn't! (Pause...) Man: It's just contradiction! Other Man: No it isn't! Man: It IS! Other Man: It is NOT! Man: Look, you just contradicted me! Other Man: No I didn't! Man: You DID! Other Man: No no no! Man: You did just then! Other Man: Nonsense! Man: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!! (Pause...) Other Man: No it isn't! Man: Yes it is! (Pause...) Man: I came here for a good argument! Other Man: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an argument! Man: An argument isn't just contradiction. Other Man: Well! It CAN be! Man: No it can't! Man: An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish A proposition. Other Man: No it isn't! Man: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction. Other Man: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position! Man: Yes but that's not just saying "no it isn't". Other Man: Yes it is! Man: No it isn't! Other Man: Yes it is! Man: No it isn't! Other Man: Yes it is! Man: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just The automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says. Other Man: It is NOT! Man: It is! Other Man: Not at all! Man: It is! The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.
Other Man: Thank you, that's it. Man: (stunned) What? Other Man: That's it. Good morning. Man: But I was just getting interested! Other Man: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up. Man: That was never five minutes!! Other Man: I'm afraid it was. Man: (leading on) No it wasn't..... (Pause...) Other Man: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more. Man: WHAT?? Other Man: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay For another five minutes. Man: Yes, but that was never five minutes just now! (Pause...) Oh Come on! (Pause...) Oh this is... (Pause...) This is ridiculous! Other Man: I told you... (Pause...) I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY! Man: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are. Other Man: Thank you. Man: (clears throat) Well... Other Man: Well WHAT? Man: That was never five minutes just now. Other Man: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid! Man: Well I just paid! Other Man: No you didn't! Man: I DID!!! Other Man: YOU didn't! Man: I DID!!! Other Man: YOU didn't! Man: I DID!!! Other Man: YOU didn't! Man: I DID!!! Other Man: YOU didn't! Man: I-dbct-fd-tq! I don't want to argue about it! Other Man: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay! Man: Ah hah! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha! Other Man: No you haven't! Man: Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid. Other Man: Not necessarily. I *could* be arguing in my spare time. Man: Oh, I've had enough of this. Other Man: No you haven't. Man: Oh, shut up.
(leaves, slamming door) (enters another room)
Man: I want to complain. Complaining Man: You want to complain? Look at these shoes I'm wearing -- I've only had 'em three weeks and the 'eels have Worn right through! Man: No, I want to complain about... Complaining Man: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well Not bother. Man: Ohhhhh... (pain) Complaining Man: I'm (inaudible) fine day, and I'm sick and tired of This office.
(leaves, slamming door) (enters another room)
Man: Hello, I want to... (Man is hit on head and stops talking) Man: Ooooooohhhh!!! Hitting Man: No, no, no, hold your head like this, then go "Waaaa!" Try it again. (Man is hit on head again) Man: Uuuuuuhhhh!! Hitting Man: Better, better, but "Waaaa waaaa." Put your hand there. Man: No! Hitting Man: Now... (Yes, man is hit on head again) Man: Waaaaaaa! Hitting Man: Good, good, that's it! Man: Stop hitting me! Hitting Man: What? Man: Stop hitting me! Hitting Man: Stop hitting you? Man: Yes! Hitting Man: Well why'd you come in here then? Man: I want to complain! Hitting Man: Oh, no, that's next door. It's being hit on the head Lessons in here. Man: What a stupid concept!!
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