Customer: Good Morning. Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium! Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man. Owner: What can I do for you, Sir? Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just Now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all Peckish. Owner: Peckish, sir? Customer: Esuriant. Owner: Eh? Customer: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike! Owner: Ah, hungry! Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will Do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and Infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy Comestibles! Owner: Come again? Customer: I want to buy some cheese. Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player! Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse! Owner: Sorry? Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too! Owner: So he can go on playing, can he? Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man. Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like? Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester. Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir. Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit? Owner: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it Fresh on Monday. Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, If you please. Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this Morning. Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese? Owner: Sorry, sir. Customer: Red Windsor? Owner: Normally, sir, yes. (pause) Today the van broke down. Customer: Ah. Stilton? Owner: Sorry. Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere? Owner: No. Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance. Owner: No. Customer: Lipta? Owner: No. Customer: Lancashire? Owner: No. Customer: White Stilton? Owner: No. Customer: Danish Brew? Owner: No. Customer: Double Goucester? Owner: (pause) No. Customer: Cheshire? Owner: No. Customer: Dorset Bluveny? Owner: No. Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson? Owner: No. Customer: Camenbert, perhaps? Owner: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir. Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent. Owner: Yessir. It's...ah...it's a bit runny... Customer: Oh, I like it runny. Owner: Well... It's very runny, actually, sir. Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah! Owner: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir. Customer: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed. Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause) Customer: What now? Owner: The cat's eaten it. Customer: (pause) Has he. Owner: She, sir. (Pause...)
Customer: Gouda? Owner: No. Customer: Edam? Owner: No. Customer: Case Ness? Owner: No. Customer: Smoked Austrian? Owner: No. Customer: Japanese Sage Darby? Owner: No, sir. Customer: You...do have some cheese, don't you? Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got- Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess. Owner: Fair enough. Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale. Owner: Yes? Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that! Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my Name. (Pause...)
Customer: Greek Feta? Owner: Uh, not as such. Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola? Owner: no Customer: Parmesan, Owner: no Customer: Mozarella, Owner: no Customer: Paper Cramer, Owner: no Customer: Danish Bimbo, Owner: no Customer: Czech sheep's milk, Owner: no Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese? Owner: Not today, sir, no. (Pause...)
Customer: Aah, how about Cheddar? Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir. Customer: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world! Owner: Not 'round here, sir. Customer: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah? Owner: 'Illchester, sir. Customer: IS it. Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire. Customer: Is it. Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir! Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh? Owner: Right, sir. Customer: All right. Okay. "Have you got any?" He asked, expecting the answer 'no'. Owner: I'll have a look, sir... nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it? Owner: Finest in the district! Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please. Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir! Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.... Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir. Customer: Would it be worth it? Owner: Could be.... Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF! Owner: Told you sir... Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger? Owner: No. Customer: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest Optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me: Owner: Yessir? Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all. Owner: Yes,sir. Customer: Really? (Pause...)
Owner: No. Not really, sir. Customer: You haven't. Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir. Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you. Owner: Right-o, sir. The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.
Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.
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